About five years ago I bought a house with my sister and brother-in-law. They moved into the main part of the house and my daughter and I moved into the basement apartment. The end of last year my boyfriend moved in and recently we have been looking into buying a house together. We’ve been going over financials and just trying to get an idea of what’s around and what we may be able to afford. And it brought up a memory for me.

My ex and I were living in an apartment together when my daughter was born. It was actually a really nice apartment; spacious and clean. I loved it. A few months after my daughter was born he started bringing up us buying a house. He didn’t want to keep paying rent and wasting his money, he wanted a place of our own. I, on the other hand, was very hesitant. I mean, of course I would have loved to own my own house one day. But I was struggling so much with our relationship. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be in a relationship with him anymore. Buying a house just felt too permanent for me and I didn’t want to put myself in that position. I told him I wasn’t ready.

A few weeks or a month would go by and he would bring it up again. Even some of his family members started telling me how great it would be for us to own our own house, and P really wanted to do this so we should just go for it. No matter how many times I said I wasn’t ready for that, or I didn’t want to do that, my feelings didn’t seem to matter as much. I constantly felt like I was being pressured and pushed into looking for a house. Nobody was listening to me and P really wanted it so everyone just thought it was the “right move”. One day I finally gave in and said fine. Let’s look around.

We began the process. We got pre-approved. We started looking at houses, we took a ton of tours. Then one day we came across this house that I absolutely LOVED. It had pretty much everything I would have wanted. I nice kitchen, a big living room, walk-in-closets, and big bathroom with a big bathtub and separate shower. The yard was beautiful. The only problem for me, I couldn’t picture myself living there with him. But I didn’t say anything. Who was going to listen anyway? We put in an offer that got accepted, we had an inspection done. Everything was moving along. But I couldn’t ignore this feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was not the right path for me. I really tried to go through with it but the unease in my gut just kept growing and growing until I finally started listening. I couldn’t do this. I didn’t want this. And I didn’t have to go through with it. It wasn’t too late. So we’re sitting in our apartment living room, my daughter playing on the floor and I tell him. I tell him I can’t go through with this. I tell him I didn’t want this and how I tried to tell him many times but he never listened. I tell him I felt pressured by him and his family because they all thought it was the right thing for us. But I didn’t want it. I apologized over and over. I knew he’d be mad. But I didn’t expect what would happen next.

The first thing he said to me after I told him I couldn’t go through with buying the house was “well, it’s my money so I can do what I want with it”. That was a bit of a gut punch. I mean, yes, technically, he was the only one working at the time. But I was home full time with our daughter. I was home taking care of her so we didn’t have to pay for childcare (which was a mutual decision). I was home cooking and cleaning and making sure all the bills were paid on time (later I would find out that his mom was actually telling him he should buy the house on his own anyway – she’s a real gem). Him saying the money was just his really upset me so I stopped talking, I started crying and I got up and left the living room. I went to our bedroom, closed the door and laid in the bed to cry. I just needed a moment to feel my feelings and get myself together. A minute later P came into the room. He told me I couldn’t “take a nap” because he needed to go to the gym and I needed to watch the baby. I told him I wasn’t napping (I was clearly crying), I just needed a minute to myself. He repeated that he needed to go to the gym and then left the room, leaving the door open.

I got up to close the door again and this time I locked it and laid back down. All I needed was a few minutes. You just said something so messed up to me and I was upset, let me cry. Well, apparently I was asking for too much because he tried to come back in the bedroom again. And when he realized the door was locked, he then kicked the door in, putting a crack through the door and breaking the door frame. And he said to me “I told you, you can’t go to sleep, I’m going to the gym.” And he stormed out of the apartment. Mind you, my 6 month old daughter was still sitting on the living room floor, which was just feet from my bedroom. So he did this all in front of her. I pulled myself off the bed, crying more at this point, and went to sit with my daughter. Needless to say, we did not buy the house.

Today, house hunting is a totally different experience for me. My boyfriend and I have a loving, respectful relationship. We have mature conversations to discuss where we are and what we want and where we want to go. There’s no pressuring one another, we make decisions together. I’m treated as an equal. We’re partners. And I am beyond grateful for that.

Don’t ignore that gut feeling; it’s always right.