When my ex and I were approaching our 1-year dating anniversary, I decided to buy us tickets to a Knick’s game. He was a big Knick’s fan, loved basketball, and I just thought it would be a fun experience for us both. He didn’t have a car at the time so I picked him up to drive us to the train station. So we’re in the car and I’m driving through his neighborhood, going down roads I don’t normally take. I wasn’t fully confident in the direction we were going so while we were at a stop sign I turned to him and said “I make a left here, right?” His response… “are you dumb?” I was thrown for a minute. Then, annoyed, asked him not to call me dumb and I explained that I don’t usually come down these roads, I just wanted to make sure I was turning the correct way. And his response… “dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.”

I sat there for a minute thinking about how I got us these great tickets (really, I got them for him) to do something fun, I’m driving us because HE doesn’t have a car and this is how I’m being treated for asking a simple question. I was so upset and pissed off, I turned that car around and drove him right back home and left. Then I went home and cried. I couldn’t wrap my head around what just happened. It honestly seemed so ridiculous to me that I couldn’t just get a simple “yes” to let me know I was headed in the right direction. Why would he choose that moment to start being mean when we were on our way to do something fun together? I thought about the situation for a little bit and decided I didn’t want to miss the game. I already paid for the tickets, I wouldn’t have gone with anyone else because I bought them for him and would have felt bad for going without him. I didn’t want them to go to waste. So I picked him back up and we went.

This is just one small example of how my ex treated me. And yet I stayed for over 4 more years after that. I made a lot of excuses for him. He struggled constantly with his own demons. Even though he came off cocky, he was actually very insecure. He didn’t have the best childhood experience. Things weren’t always stable. His dad was never around because he was on and off drugs. His mom had her own issues but I guess at least she was there. I could sometimes just look at him and see how hurt he was inside so I would tell myself this is why he is the way he is. He can’t always help it. He doesn’t know how to be any better. But let’s be honest, I was telling myself a bunch of bullshit. While some of the things in his life were really sad and messed up, that wasn’t an excuse to treat other people like shit. He was grown enough to make his own decisions, to know right from wrong. And instead of making a better life for himself and moving on from all that, he wallowed in his self-pity and projected it out on everyone else (but mostly me).

I can’t tell you exactly why I stayed as long as I did. Maybe I thought I could change him or fix him. Maybe I thought the longer we were together, the more he’d see how much I cared for him and was there for him, and that would be enough for him to want to do better. Maybe I felt like I had nowhere else to go. What I do know is that the longer we were together the smaller I felt. The lower my self-worth got. The longer we were together the more I would lose bits of myself until I didn’t recognize the person in the mirror at all.